~*~Quick Wit~*~


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~~Quick Wit~~

~Even if you're on the right track, you'll still get run over if you just sit there.~

~Will Rogers~

~The scientific theory I like best, is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.~

~Mark Russell~

~A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.~

~Frank Lloyd Wright~

~My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they both turned sixty and it was the law.~

~Jerry Seinfeld~

~All men are homeless but some men are home, less than others.~

~Bessie & Beulah~

~The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I've ever seen that I didn't have to clean.~

~Erma Bombeck~

~A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.~

~Burt Bacharach~

~I locked my keys in the car and had to break the windshield to get my wife out.~

~Red Skelton~

~Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My Husband forgot the code to turn of the security alarm. When the police arrived he wouldn't admit he had forgotten the code...he turned himself in.~

~Rita Rudner~

~My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." ~

~Paula Poundstone~

~I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.~

~Former U.S. Vice-President, Dan Quayle~

~A person who has just retired from his job writes: I get up each morning and dust off my wits, go pick up the paper and read the obits. If my name isn't there I know I'm not dead; I get a good breakfast and go back to bed.~



~A snail got mugged by two tortoises.

When he went to the police, they questioned him as to what happened.

He said, "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"~


 Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Somtimes I think I understand everything, then I gain consciousness.

If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.~


~Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.

After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air

waving his front legs, and crashed to the ground. After

recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell

to the ground.

The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds

sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.

"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."~


~If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put

shoes on my cat.~

~I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that

It can't be blamed on somebody else.~

~One of life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy

can make you gain five pounds.~

~My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.~

~You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a

rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.~

~Men have more blood that women. Men have 1.5 gallons

versus .875 gallons for women. That's probably because men

tend to spill more of it, what with football...hockey...shaving...~

~Jeanne Pierre Francois Blanchard built the first parachute and

tested it using a dog. He put the dog in a basket equipped

with his invention and then dropped it from a hot air balloon.

It was a giant step forward for aviation history, but a giant

step backwards in establishing the dog as man's best friend.~

~There is an average of 50,000 spiders per acre in green areas.

I think I have more that in my garage and it's only 20x20.~

~Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.~

~Insanity is my only means of relaxation.~

~Forget the health food; I need all the preservatives I can get.~

~Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.~

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~A Quick Witted Prayer~

Dear Lord,

So far today, I am doing all right.

I have not gossiped, or lost my temper.

I have not been greedy, grumpy, nasty,

selfish or self indulgent.

However, I am going to get out of bed

in a few minutes

and will need a lot more help after that...


{Thanks Aunt Ray}


~~Quick Wit On Love, By Kids Ages 5-10~~

What is the proper age to get married?

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." {Tom, 5}

What do most people do on a date?

"On the first date they just tell each other lies, and that

usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." {Mike, 9}

When is it okay to kiss someone?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to

buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have

videos of the wedding." {Jim, 10}

Concerning why Love happens between two particular people:

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something

to do with how you smell. That is why perfume and deodorant

are so popular." {Jan, 9}

On what falling in Love is like:

"Like an avalanche, where you have to run for your life." {Roger, 9}"Like an avalanche, where you have to run for your life." {Roger, 9}

"If falling in Love is anything like learning how to spell, I

don't want to do it. It takes too long." {Leo, 7}

On the role of good looks, in Love:

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your

family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." {Jeanne, 8}

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome

like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." {Gary, 7}

"Beauty is skin deep, but how rich you are can last a long time." {Christine, 9}

Concerning why Lovers often hold hands:

"They want to make sure that their rings don't fall off because

they paid good money for them." {Dave, 8}

Confidential opinions about Love:

"I'm in favor of Love as long as it doesn't happen when "The

Simpsons" is on television." {Anita, 6}

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it.

I have been trying to hide form it since I was five, but the

girls keep finding me." {Bobby, 8}

"I'm not rushing into being in Love. I'm finding fourth grade

hard enough." {Regina, 10}

The personal qualities necessary to be a good Lover:

"One of you should know how to write a check. Even if

you have tons of Love, there are still going to be a lot of bills." {Ava, 8}

Some surefire ways to make a person fall in Love with you:

"Don't do things like have smelly green sneakers. You might

get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as Love." {Alonzo, 9}

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's

something she likes to eat. French fries usually work for me." {Bart, 9}

What most people are thinking when they say, "I Love You."

The person is thinking, yeah, I really do Love him, but I

hope he showers at least once a day." {Michelle, 9}

How to make Love endure:

"Spend most of your time Loving instead of going to work." {Tom, 7}

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you

never take out the trash." {Randy, 8}


~~When God Gave Out Brains~~

~When God gave out brains, I thought He said trains,

And I said I'd take the next one.~

~When God gave out looks, I thought He said books,

And I didn't want any.~

~When God gave out noses, I though He said roses,

So I ordered a big one.~

~When God gave out legs, I thought He said kegs,

So I ordered two fat ones.~

~When God gave out ears, I thought He said beers,

So I ordered two long ones.~

~When God gave out chins, I thought He said grins,

So I said, "Give me a double.~

" God, 'am I a mess.~


~~I'm Awfully Well For The Shape I'm In~~

There's nothing whatever the matter with me,

I'm just as healthy as I can be.

I have arthritis in both my knees,

And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.

My pulse is weak, and my blood is thin,

But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

I think my liver is out of whack,

And a horrible pain is in my back.

My hearing is poor, my sight is dim,

Most everything seems to be out of trim,

But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

I've arch supports for both my feet,

Or I wouldn't be able to walk down the street.

Sleep is denied me, night after night,

And every morning, I look a sight.

My memory is failing, my heads in a spin,

I'm practically living on aspirin.

But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

The moral is, as this tale we unfold,

That you and I are just growing old.

It's better to say, "I'm fine," with a grin,

Than to let anyone know the shape we're in...

{Thanks to the Village People, Elaine and Paul}

Music: ~Here Comes The Sun~

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